Life Found On Mars: Are Space Stocks The Next Trend?
Wait, really? Oh, ok then, hold on, I need to reassess my whole worldview… Yeah, that’s right, while you guys were freaking out about stupid things like MONEY and STOCKS and BEING ABLE TO AFFORD YOUR...
View ArticleLarry Ellison Briefly World’s Richest Man, Ruining Elon’s Killstreak
For just a few hours there, Larry Ellison became the world’s richest man, dethroning Elon Musk, who had held the title for about a year. (*Halo announcer voice*: KINGSLAYER!) Elon’s undoubtedly pissed,...
View ArticleWill Larry Ellison Be The New Richest Man? Not If Elon Can Help It
Who’s Larry Ellison? Oh, the CEO of Oracle. What’s Oracle? Oh, it’s a software company, sorry, I’m just learning all this in real time. That’s crazy that this guy could become the richest man in the...
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Murdoch Empire Reaches Deal, Succession Creators Sue For Plagiarism
The massive Murdoch media empire has finally worked out who will take over in the unlikely event of 95-year-old Rupert Murdoch’s death. But this time you don’t need to watch four seasons to find out....
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Trump Denies Drawing Picture For Epstein, “But Whoever Did Is Pretty Talented”
Democrats have released a copy of Epstein’s ominous-sounding “birthday book,” which includes a note allegedly from President Donald J. Trump to the late, not-so-great paedophile. Not sure what I’m...
View ArticleJob Openings Are Now Lower Than Employment, Dealing Massive Blow To Preachy...
New employment figures from the Bureau of Labor Statistics suggest that boomers across the country can no longer tell younger generations to just cut out avocado and Netflix and ask their neighbor for...
View ArticleMcDonald’s CEO Says McDonald’s Is Too Expensive
The CEO of McDonald’s has come out with a whopper: lower income families are spending less which means they’re spending less on McDonald’s which is a problem for them and maybe for everyone. CEO Chris...
View ArticleWhite House To Start Using Grok, MechaHitler To Run In 2028
Grok 3 and 4 are now featured on GSA Advantage, the government’s list of approved vendors, reversing the previous decision to remove Elon Musk’s controversial AI after it went full Nazi and called...
View ArticleCongress Trading Ban Announced, Pelosi Frantically Uninstalls Robinhood
A bipartisan group of gay cheesemakers… wait, that’s not what bipartisan means? Oh, ok… A bipartisan group of politicians has unveiled a new bill that would forbid lawmakers from trading individual...
View ArticleTop Ten Picks To Replace Trump
Although Donald Trump is not dead yet, rumors still persist online that the President might in fact be dead because who doesn’t love a good conspiracy? The whole curfuffle has led many to speculate...
View ArticleGoogle Allowed To Keep Chrome And Android But Must Turn Off Incognito Mode
In a landmark ruling, regulators announced today that Google may continue operating its Android and Chrome empires but only if it shares its data with other companies and finally admits that “Incognito...
View ArticleNestlé Stocks Dip After Firing CEO For Employee Relationship
Master chocolatiers and occasional slave owners, Nestlé, have SACKED their chief executive for getting in the SACK with a subordinate, leading to a TUMBLE (of stocks that is). You probably know the...
View ArticleGold Hits $3,500, Experts Are Calling It “The New Gold”
Gold has reached an ATH (all-time highest amount), rising to over $3,500 an ounce for the second time, making it one of the most precious metals in the world. The boost comes after Donald J. Trump (the...
View ArticleTariffs Might Be Ruled Unlawful In Potential Biggest Waste Of Time Ever
In a story that was ALREADY COMPLICATED ENOUGH THANK YOU, Trump’s tariffs, which seem to go back and forth between existing and not existing just got another bump towards the void of unreality with a...
View ArticleBREAKING NEWS: Trump Not Dead
Despite rampant rumors on TikTok, X, and French news outlet, ‘La News’, President Donald Trump is not in fact dead after all. Shit, I just lost a bet. The story began when people realised that they...
View ArticleAnthropic Settles $1 Trillion AI Copyright Lawsuit
Ok, I admit that’s a slightly misleading headline to get you to click on this article, shoot me. You see, Anthropic, makers of the AI ‘Claude’, have reached a preliminary settlement BUT they don’t have...
View ArticleNvidia Down 3% After Trump Drags Feet On 15% China China China Chip Deal
During a recent earnings call, Nvidia CFO Colette Kress said that the U.S. Government “has not published a regulation codifying such requirement.” The ‘such requirement’ being the 15% cut of H20...
View ArticleDon’t Invest In OpenAi Says OpenAI, Wait, What?
Yeah, OpenAI isn’t publicly traded yet so don’t even try it. If you want to, you need the company’s written consent. Now a lot of people haven’t got that memo so OpenAI has had to write a blog post...
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Is Woke Dead?? Cracker Barrel Reverts To Old Logo
After learning nothing from Jaguar’s disastrous rebrand last year, Cracker Barrel recently unveiled a redesigned logo that everyone hated. The sleeker, more minimalist design removed the image of the...
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Trump Fires Fed Governor, Powell Unlikely To Reach Apprentice Season Finale
President ‘The President’ Donald Trump has FIRED Federal Reserve official Lisa Cook, just like in that one TV show he was on, opening up a clear shot for Jerome Powell to get pow pow POWED! Cook...
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