SBF is Trading Mackerel in Prison
In an unexpected twist to his already turbulent career, former crypto-billionaire Sam Bankman-Fried (SBF) has swiftly adapted to the economy of New York’s Metropolitan Detention Center, proving that...
View ArticleSaylor’s Erection Now Visible From Space as BTC Gains Swell
Michael Saylor, the former CEO of MicroStrategy, has achieved a financial feat so grand it’s literally visible from space. Sources from various space agencies report an unusual structure extending...
View ArticleTrump to only be a Dictator on day one
Former President Donald Trump seeks to introduce a new dictator diet plan for the next time he is in power. It comes with the proposition of losing democracy in just a day. Forget intermittent...
View ArticleElon Musk’s new “Freedom Squad” features Alex Jones and Andrew Tate
Elon Musk, Alex Jones, and Andrew Tate have formed an alliance that is less Avengers and more like a group project where everyone forgot to do their homework. Dubbed the “Freedom Squad,” this trio is...
View ArticleMan Claims E3 Cancellation Has Given Him ‘Time to Reflect’, Still Spends 18...
In the wake of the recent cancellation of the Electronic Entertainment Expo (E3), many in the gaming community have been left pondering their next moves. Among them is 28-year-old Alex Martin, who, in...
View ArticleCOP28 delegates fly 50,000 miles to agree fossil fuels are bad
It took the world 28 years to realize that fossil fuels might be a bit problematic for our planet’s health. Delegates from around the world had to collectively fly a staggering 50,000 miles to reach a...
View ArticleResearch Shows Running Away from Responsibilities Burns More Calories
Experts have unveiled a new exercise trend that’s sweeping the nation: literally running away from responsibilities. This innovative approach to fitness, aptly named “Responsibility Evasion Cardio...
View ArticleAshley Biden joins family tradition by forgetting to pay taxes
Tax amnesia seems to be running in the first family as latest reports have exposed Ashley Biden owing thousands in income taxes. In doing so, the daughter of the US president has joined her brother,...
View ArticleGeorgia Pharmacies To Sell “Oregano” Instead of Marijuana After DEA Ruling
Following the DEA’s recent ruling, pharmacies across Georgia have begun selling a curious new product labeled “Oregano.” This move comes after the DEA firmly stated that the sale of marijuana by these...
View ArticleTrump Plans Own State Where He’s Always on the Ballot
Former President Donald Trump has announced his plans to establish a new state, named ‘Trumplandia’. This announcement comes hot on the heels of Maine’s decision to bar Trump from the presidential...
View ArticleTrump To Open Disco After Musical Town Hall
OAKS, PA – Donald Trump has revealed plans to open a disco in the ‘swing’ state of Pennsylvania riding the success of his DJ set at a recent rally in which two people fainted. Half an hour into the...
View ArticleBoeing Seeks $25 Billion To Cover Rising Hitman Costs
This week, aircraft manufacturer Boeing said it could raise as much as $25 billion to cover a falling share price, workers’ strike, and the skyrocketing cost of private assassins. “Everyone’s been hit...
View ArticleKamala Insists On Bringing Cardboard Cut-out Of Trump To Future Interviews
After a heated Fox News grilling, Vice President Kamala Harris has made it her new rule that for all future interviews she must be allowed to bring along a life-sized standee of Donald Trump. “It’s...
View ArticleNASA Launches Mission To Find Signs Of Life On Joe Biden
This week NASA launched its Clipper mission to find life on the distant planet of ‘Earth’, specifically within the residence of one ‘Joe Biden’. The long-awaited mission was initially delayed by...
View ArticleTaylor Swift Won’t Commit To Accepting Election Results
Despite repeated requests to ensure a peaceful transfer of power, musician Taylor Swift has refused to accept the election results should Donald Trump win. “My legion of Swifties shalt rise from the...
View ArticleLocal Man Rushed To Hospital With Severe Case Of Diamond Hands
A young man was rushed to hospital yesterday after contracting an extreme case of cryscarbomanification, more colloquially known as ‘diamond hands’. Vilo Jenson, an unemployed amateur financial trader...
View ArticleMcDonald’s New Hire Slows Drive Thru Traffic To Standstill
PHILADELPHIA, PA — A local McDonald’s is facing complaints after drive-thru traffic ground to a halt this weekend. The delay was reportedly caused by an untrained new hire who slowed service by talking...
View ArticleLegion Of Doom Gather For BRICS Summit In Russia
KAZAN, RUSSIA – Vladimir Putin has gathered over 20 friendly heads of state at his secret lair to devise devious deceits to bring down the West and everything it stands for. Among the leaders are...
View ArticleElon Musk Sued By Time Traveller For Predicting Future
Elon Musk has been accused of plagiarizing material from Dr. Edwin Dewhickity, a time traveler from the year 3000 A.D. The suit adds mounting legal troubles for the billionaire who found himself in hot...
View ArticleFacebook Asks Workers Not To Breathe On Company Time, Please
Last week, Meta (the parent company of Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp, and Meta) cracked down on staff members spending meal credits on non-meals, firing 24 staff members for buying toothpaste, wine...
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