Big Tech Invests In Nuclear Energy To Save Planet, No, Wait Sorry, I Meant...
THE ROBOTS ARE HUNGRY! THEY NEED FEEDING! THEY NEED ENERGY! Currently, AI uses as much energy as a small country. This is great because ugly pictures of Elon Musk surfing with kittens and the incorrect...
View ArticleBREAKING: Trump Does Something Funny, Probably
This just in, today of all days, Donald J. Trump (the ex-president) has probably done something unusual for a presidential candidate to do. Yes, with just a few weeks or days (depending on when you’re...
View ArticleTop 10 Halloween Costumes For People Who Hate Themselves
‘Tis the season to be dressed up! ‘Tis. All halloooooween’s eve is almost upon us and that means children and opportunistic adults alike should all be preparing their tricking and/or treating attire....
View ArticleTrump Smokes Blunt On Joe Rogan, Mellows Out On Policy
This weekend former President Donald Trump smoked marijuana during a podcast with comedian(ish) Joe Rogan and immediately mellowed out. Whilst discussing politics in a sealed, windowless room, Mr....
View ArticleTrump Picks Elon Musk As Running Mate
Just one week before the election, Donald Trump has declared Elon Musk as his Vice Presidential pick in a move that has surprised and baffled voters. The decision was declared spontaneously at Trump’s...
View ArticleReal Floating Island Of Garbage Starting To Feel Left Out Of The Conversation
It’s been a rough couple of days to be a floating island of garbage in the middle of the ocean. On Sunday, a Trump rally comedian joked that Puerto Rico was a “floating island of garbage,” and today,...
View ArticleTrump’s Final Message To Voters: Dress For The Job You Want, Not The Job You...
Like an imminent rabid raccoon ambush, election day is nearly upon us. In these final moments, Donald Trump is busy securing crucial résumé experience should November 5th not go his way. Trump already...
View ArticlePutin Buys Earth After Google Lawsuit Payout
In a stunning move of 3-dimensional-geopolitical chess, Russia has successfully sued Google for 2,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 rubles...
View ArticleDisillusioned Voters Decide To Vote For Both Candidates
24-year-old, Dilgen Belsif is a retired influencer from Erm, Pennsylvania. She’s been following the election cycle avidly but now that it’s nearly time to cast her vote, she’s cautious. “Neither of...
View ArticleLocal Man Looking Forward To Election Finishing So He “Can Go Back To...
With just a few days away from election night both presidential candidates have been ramping up their appearances and political rhetoric but there’s one man who’s looking forward to ramping down. Local...
View ArticleApocalypse Imminent After [INSERT NEW PRESIDENT HERE] Wins Election
The results are in and [Trump-and-or-Harris CHANGE LATER] is the new President of the United States of America. After a grueling but ultimately successful few months on the campaign trail...
View ArticleNation Braces Itself For Exciting Night Of Paper Counting
Tonight’s the night! Election night! Like Christmas Eve but shit! America waits with bated breath. Will the country scamper down the stairs tomorrow to a brand-new bicycle or a lump of coal covered in...
View ArticleTrump Demands Recount, Wants More Votes
Despite winning the 2024 United States presidential election, Donald Jonathan Trump has demanded that all the votes be recounted in what political commentators are describing as “a really dumb move.”...
View ArticleState Funeral Scheduled For Peanut The Squirrel
Following the untimely death of the squirrel influencer, Peanut (P’Nut to his friends), President-elect Donald Trump has announced that a state funeral will be held in the pet’s honor. Peanut’s owner...
View ArticleNews Anchors Unsure What To Talk About Now Election Is Over
Following the election results on Wednesday (Tuesday? What is time anymore?), political pundits have been spotted up and down the country staring, glassy-eyed at blank walls, kicking stray cans along...
View ArticleElon Shuts Down X And Retires Saying, “My Work Here Is Done”
Following the election of Donald Trump, Elon Musk has declared, “My work here is done” and has shut down the social media website formerly known as Twitter, which now goes only by the unpronounceable...
View ArticleBiden Not Really Sure What To Do With Himself Now
Dear Dairy, Hey, it’s me again, you’re buddy Joseph Robinette Biden. Well, Dairy, things have come around pretty fast for old Joe, let me tell you. So, here’s the deal, I’m now officially the president...
View ArticleTrump To Make Bitcoin Official US Currency
Following bitcoin’s skyrocketing value after Donald Trump’s election win, the President-elect has announced plans to make bitcoin the official currency of the United States, replacing the US Dollar....
View ArticleTrump Appoints Hulk Hogan As Secretary Of Whoopin’ Ass
President-elect, Donald Trump has appointed retired wrestler Hulk Hogan to the newly created role of “Secretary Of Whoopin’ Ass” ahead of his inauguration in January. Hogan, whose real name is...
View ArticleElon Made Head Of Efficiency, Immediately Fires Self
In the wake of Donald Trump’s successful election campaign and Elon Musk’s successful bribe, Trump has appointed the tech billionaire to head up the Department of Government Efficiency. Looking to make...
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